OPRAH’S STUNNING ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT TRUMP TWEETS

Los Angeles, CA February 20, 2018
“It’s not him! Trump is not writing those tweets. I refused to believe that our leader would stoop so low and act like a petulant child. So I hired a psychological profiling firm to examine and analyze all the tweets that purportedly were written by my old friend Donald. The results are in. The profilers indicated that there is a 99% probability the the tweets were written by an 11 year old child, probably a girl. They said the catty juvenile language and immature word choices coupled with the childishly rebellious nature of the tweets helped them to make their determination. So friends, relax. The leader of our country is not an 11 year old girl. However, the author of the tweets apparently is.” ~~slater.com©

TRUMP ORDERS MASSIVE MILITARY PARADE IN DC

Washington DC February 7, 2018
“I will show the world who can roll tanks down a street the best. The best, us. More tanks, more flags, more guns, more ammo, more cammo, you can’t keep up world, you won’t keep up with me militarily. I may not have been in the armed forces but nobody loves him a pageant more than I do. And I don’t see any reason to exclude the ladies from this show of force. They’re strong and tough, our girls. Yes they are. I’ve asked Ivanka to lead the parade dressed similarly to the statue of liberty but holding a gatling gun instead of a torch. Beautiful. Sorry, she’s taken boys. And there’ll be guns, oh lots of guns. I’ll be in my reviewing stand, looking down on the troops. I will work closely with the Pentagon for weeks if necessary to make sure the color combinations accentuate the DC light just right from every angle. Details, that’s what I’m known for, studying the little things and making sure I get everything just right. And I can’t think of anything more important to me right now than a big parade in honor of my first year in charge.” ~~slater.com©

JEFF BEZOS SAYS $100 BILLION ISN’T AS MUCH AS YOU THINK

Seattle, WA January 22, 2018
“People think I have all kinds of money now but the truth is I really don’t. First, unless I sell my Amazon stock I don’t actually get any money because we don’t even pay a dividend. Zero. Then when I do sell a little stock, most of that money goes to my rocket company Blue Origin. Plus my accountant says that after I pay excise tax, property tax, millionaire tax, customs tax, border tax, state tax, federal tax, sales tax, withholding, Social security, medical insurance, FICO, LICO, BICO, FOFO and LIFO there’s not much left. Plus he said that I need to pay for undercoating, rustproofing, dealer holdback and mandated insurance with a 125 billion dollar umbrella. I don’t really think I’ll be able to slow down and take a breath until I have about 10 times my current net worth or 1 trillion dollars. Of course with inflation, I’m not sure that’d even be enough.” ~~slater.com©

TRUMP DENIES REPORTED HARSH COMMENTS

Washington, DC January 14, 2018
“So no, I didn’t exactly say what was reported in the fake news. I wouldn’t say such things and they know it. I have many friends and maybe even some relatives from those places, check into it and you’ll see. I was mostly concerned with Kenya because of the fraud and cover-up of Obamas birthplace. That’s what should be investigated, not me. How come he can pretend to be from here when everyone knows he was born over there? If there’s an Africa story to be reported it starts in Kenya with Obamas Brother and Aunt. And I heard that people involved in the Public Warning texting incident yesterday in Hawaii may very well have been Obama appointees or had some kind of connection to him. Coincidence?” ~~slater.com©

TRUMP TELLS DACA KIDS TO STAY TUNED

Washington, DC January 11, 2018
“I may just find a way to keep these beautiful kids here in the US. I might. I just might. Of course my base wants them to go. So it’s really a quandary. But not for me. I stay either way. They go. They stay. It’s really up in the air right now, isn’t it? Looks like this’ll be real good for the ratings especially when children are being evicted from the only home they’ve ever known. I couldn’t have asked my writers for a more suspenseful script. What will I do? Who’ll stay and who’ll go? This episode is going to kill it during sweeps week. You’ll just have to sit on the edge of your seats biting your nails until I decide.” ~~slater.com©

TRUMP TELLS FEINSTEIN KEEP SENSITIVE INFORMATION PRIVATE

Washington, DC January 10, 2018
“I just think it was unprofessional of Senator Feinstein to release private information. If you are going to be in government, you’ve got to know when to keep your mouth shut. I always say loose lips sink ships.” ~~slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS LET THE KIDS PAY FOR THE TAX CUTS

Washington, DC December 20, 2017
“The kids didn’t build this country, we did. If this tax reduction bill increases the national debt by 1.5 Trillion dollars, so what. They should just consider it a past due invoice for services rendered. Someones got to pick up the check and it ain’t gonna be me.” ~~slater.com©

APPLE ANNOUNCES PLAN TO PRODUCE RUGGED IPHONE

Cupertino, CA. December 15, 2017
“We know. All glass is pretty but you must be gentle with it. You’re tired of walking on eggshells with your smartphone. That’s why we’re building you a new phone that once again will solve a big problem. Our main goal has always been to provide a great experience by combining fresh design with enhanced functionality. But we hear you, your beautiful iPhone X is best carried around on a red velvet pillow. All glass, it smudges, cracks and is more of a piece of art than a reliable digital assistant. So we’re about to introduce a titanium-framed hard-bodied workhorse phone that you can take anywhere and do anything with. Our precious iPhone X should still be purchased for special occasions like a lady with her formal clutch purse glittering in the evening. It’s a fashion accessory that you simply must carry to all society events. It also looks good sitting on your desk in its’ shiny, polished and gleaming glass container. Just don’t touch, please. Meanwhile grab hold of our new XT and XTR. The XT is titanium all around with a proprietary transparent metal alloy screen. This is a phone you can use just about wherever and whenever you want. But for the really tough environments get the XTR. It’s rubber coated titanium and built to last. Our newest commercial with Clint Eastwood in a retro movie scene really captures the essence of the XTR. We’ll still run the new iPhone X commercials with images of an unmatched colidescopic pixelation experience. Internally we call this hypnotic ad “Look at all the pretty colors”. ~~slater.com©

USA TODAY SAYS TRUMP UNFIT TO CLEAN TOILETS

Washington, DC December 13, 2017
“They’re right, I wouldn’t be a great choice for toilet work. I’ll leave that to the rest of the swamp. I’m clean, they’re sloshing around in the muck. People, you gotta stick with me. Don’t let this Kirsten Gillibrand run her mouth off without a response. You bet I’m gonna fight back and fight back hard. Your President is not a quitter. I won’t quit. I’ll say what I want whenever I want. I’m just trolling you anyway. In order to juice the ratings, I know just what will get you people all riled up. Right now while you think I’m down on the mat, I’m sitting on my couch laughing my head off. Sure I care about the country, just not as much as I love yanking your chains.” ~~slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS WILL POPULATE NEWLY RELEASED UTAH PUBLIC LANDS WITH IMPORTED HERDS OF ELEPHANTS FOR HUNTING

Salt Lake City, Utah December 5, 2017
“Never before has a President cared for the land like I do. I want everyone to have access to these magnificent lands. Businessmen, hunters, frackers, diggers, miners, explorers, developers, like whoever, y’know? I’m tired of these lands being held in banks for posterity. Who is posterity and why do we care so much about him? I don’t and I’m putting my considerable weight behind a new plan to make these beautiful lands great again. Like when the dinosaurs roamed Utah hunting and wreaking havoc where ever they traveled, we will take a page from these big boys and follow suit. I will bring many breeding pairs of both Indian and African elephants to these preserves and release them for our American sportsman to battle. May the best rifle win. My sons cut off elephant tails when they go to Africa as a souvenir but now they will not need to leave our great nation. We’ll drill, frack, mine and hunt these lands like they have never been mined, hunted, drilled and fracked before. These Utah Federal lands will be turned back to the people like they always should have been. Let the people decide what will be the most fun and profitable usage, not fat cat bureaucrats in the district, right? Get your pick, shovel and muskets boys and let’s see if we can’t make some good use of this place. Right now it looks abandoned. What are we saving it for?” ~~slater.com©