TRUMP BANISHES PRESS TO DISTANT AUDITORIUM

New York, NY January 16, 2017
“I really didn’t want to do it. The press is very important to me. Very important. But the space constraints in the White House briefing room have become intolerable. We cannot treat our cherished guardians of the freedom of the press to such horrendously cramped and outdated facilities. Therefore I have instructed my staff to begin to design a much larger space somewhere on the White House grounds. This new space will hold ten times more press than that tiny old location. More press, not less and more is better, I think you’ll agree. While they will no longer be in the very same building as me when I am sworn in on Friday, I can assure you that I will grant them access to me and my staff as needed, you can count on that. Some of you may know that President Nixon covered up the White House pool which is located directly beneath the current Press Briefing Room. I will remove the floor of the press room and restore the pool to it’s original splendor. Additionally, this is not like the old days, I’d strongly advise the press to refocus its considerable energies on my burgeoning twitter feed where anything they may wish to know is prominently displayed for all to see”. ~slater.com©

REPUBLICANS DECLARE ETHICS IMPEDIMENT TO PROGRESS

Washington, DC January 4, 2017
“We think this things gotten way overblown. We didn’t mean to reduce ethics examinations and investigations in any way. We just wanted to y’know get things done for the American people. We weren’t going to pork barrel or otherwise line anyones pocket. It was just to streamline the process. To move forward. But any suggestion that we were trying to cover up any past or future wrongdoing is silly. Just ridiculous. We didn’t get elected by such a wide majority because we hid things. Now that we have both houses, the Supreme Court, Federal Judgeships and the Presidency it just seemed foolish to cow tow to committees and organizations made up of who knows who. We must make sure that old “absolute power corrupts absolutely” remains just a quote not reality. To do that we wanted to close as many needless power hungry organizations as we could. It was just coincidental that we started with the Independent Ethics Committee. We’ll leave it operable for now, but we are ethically obligated to advise you that we may revisit the vote in the future should the need arise”. ~~slater.com©

APPLE AGREES TO LICENSE ANDROID FOR IPHONE

Cupertino, Ca. December 27, 2016
In a surprise move today, Apple announced that they would begin to license Alphabets’s Android operating system for the iPhone. Tim Cook introduced the new iPhone with dual ios and android operating systems at a press conference outside the new Apple headquarters. “It really makes sense to do this right now. We offer the windows operating system on our macs, so we are always in a co-opetition mode with our frenemies. It was really only a matter of time so we thought we’d like to go into 2017 with the wind at our back. Now on your iPhone you can opt to utilize the superior features of either system. At this point only the iPhone can run everything. Download any app to the iPhone even if development has only been completed in one operating system. Simple, easy, embracing change and inclusive. It’s pure Apple and only from us”. ~slater.com©

TRUMP TELLS CHINA TO KEEP SEA DRONE

December 19, 2016 New York, NY
“They can just keep it. We don’t want it back. You stole it. You keep it. You’ve been stealing all of our intellectual property for years now, so it’s kind of a relief to actually be able to see the theft on video. You know what I mean? All this virtual theft and cyberspace robbery is just so much vapor. I’ve been watching reruns of the sea drone caper in a running loop for several hours now. I’m mesmerized by their brazen and blatant taking of our property. Well, it’s on film now, so there’s no denying it. You did it and we caught you. Guilty as far as I’m concerned. Case closed. When I’m in office, those types of things won’t be tolerated, no – taking my property is generally not known to be a good idea. No it isn’t. I’m thinking of telling the kids to yank my name off all those buildings in China that rent our brand. That’d show ’em we mean business. But I can’t get involved in those types of decisions because the press always writes about conflict of interest. So I don’t know if the kids will do that but if I was still in charge of the company, I’d pull out of there so fast their head would swim.” ~~slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS HE’LL CALL WHO HE WANTS WHEN HE WANTS

New York, NY December 4, 2016
“I was elected to use my judgement. My judgement. Not the judgement of the swampy political elite in the State Department. I took a look at the state of the world and quite frankly, I’m not that impressed. Should I really call the people who got us here? Is there anyone in the world who is more successful than me? Has anyone in the world ever become President without being a General or holding previous elected office? Has anyone ever been as financially successful as me? I’m the single most successful person in the history of the world, so far, and there should be at least a little credit thrown my way. But no, the media only throws shade. Sad! Look folks, get used to my making calls and answering the phone when I get a call. Businessmen answer their phones. They do deals. They make things happen. I’m not going to call my diplomatic handler every time I get an idea. I’m an entrepreneur. I’m free and I like to speak my mind. I’m bringing freedom to the Oval Office and things are gonna swing in our direction for a change. I’ll call who I want when I want and speak about whatever. Get used to it.” ~slater.com©

TRUMP BLASTS CASTRO REIGN UPON FIDELS PASSING

New York, NY November 27, 2016
“That dictator held an entire country virtually captive for 1/2 a century. Whatever we do, we must not let any other authoritarian demagogues constrain the free will of their people. Wherever we find such an odious tyrant, we must do everything in our power to encourage freedom to emerge and lead the people to their rightful place as independent thinking citizens. Perhaps his brother will allow the great Cuban people to seek and find their true destiny in the world. To that end, we welcome all positive changes in Cuba that allow freedom to ring out loud and liberty to follow.” ~slater.com

TRUMP SETS FIRST PRIORITY

New York, NY November 13, 2016
“I want to let everyone know that I will investigate personally all of the urban myths and legends surrounding our government. Now that I, one of the people, is in command of the nation you can count on me to learn the truth. I will pass along my findings to you my brothers and sisters at my first opportunity. I have already advised the commanding officer of Fort Knox that I will personally be visiting Kentucky next week for a tour of the gold bullion depository. I will put to rest once and for all whether or not the gold is still there. I will inspect all of the gold if any is left. We will drill through a number of the bars to determine if they have been replaced with gold plated bricks. I’ll make sure there’s no gold bricking going on there you can count on that. I’m bringing some of my top security guys with me and if we determine that it is not properly protected we will have all of the gold moved to the fully lined treasure vaults below Trump Tower for safe keeping. The foundation of the tower is ensconced in natural bedrock formations that are impossible to penetrate without blasting which would alert my team of any attempt to move the gold. Rest assured the US gold reserves will be safe in my hands. We will save plenty of money on payroll and finally we won’t need to worry whether the gold is still safe because I have 10 billion dollars and don’t need any more money. I’ve got plenty, believe me. When I am no longer your President, the new President can opt to take the gold or leave it safe and sound with me”. —slater.com©

TRUMP AND CLINTON AGREE TO MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE

New York,NY November 7, 2016
In a surprise move, Donald J. Trump and Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced that they would divorce their current spouses and become man and wife. “It’s been on a slow boil for a while now”, Hillary said. “Yeah, she’s not really my type, but I’m going to the White House, one way or another. I always find an angle. I had some trouble convincing Melania but I understand that Bill was all in from the get go”, Trump remarked. “He’s not really so bad once you get to know him. The important thing is that we bring the country together”, said Hillary. “And we both think that Republican Abraham Lincoln said it best about 150 years ago”:

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.”

—slater.com©

AMERICANS BRACING FOR THE FIRST HALLOWEEN WHERE BOTH PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE NOW SCARIER THAN ANY MASK

Washington, DC October 30, 2015
“I wouldn’t let my kids watch the debates. They were cartoonishly uncivilized” said Melody from Tampa. “My kids asked me if the people on TV are actors working for Saturday Night Live. I’m voting for one of them, but either choice is too embarrassing to mention.” said Joe from Bismarck. “We have hundreds of millions of people, many ethical, trustworthy and bright and these two are what we have to pick from in 9 days?” said Fran from Milwaukee. I told my son it’s very important to vote, but I can’t tell him which one I’m voting for as they both have breeched the ethical divide so often, it would give him a bad impression of separating wrong from right.” said Tommy from Jasper. “I’m glad human lifespans are so short. Just 50 or 60 New Years parties from now, a huge number of everyone alive today will be gone. Hopefully future generations will act responsibly and put forth qualified candidates for Leader of the Free World.” said George from Troy. —slater.com©

REINCE PRIEBUS SAYS HE DIDN’T DESTROY THE PARTY

Washington, DC October 18, 2016
“I didn’t set out to destroy the party. I don’t really think it is broken even now. It’s just a boisterous bunch a boys lookin for a rowdy good time, that’s all. It is a party, ain’t it? Y’know my favorite song is Jason Aldeen’s My Kinda Party. I just love it. Really gets me going. So I’m not party averse. I mean let’s party, right? What is a political party anyway? A group of people getting together with mutual interests just trying to have a good time. That’s why they call it a party, right? Otherwise it’d just be called the administrative organization political group. That does not have a good ring to it, no sir. Hey, I’m the party leader and we have more Governors in office and we control the Senate and the House. So y’know, I’m not buying all the hand wringing over this election. Was Trumpy my first choice? No. But I only get one vote. The people chose Trump. Don’t blame me. The kids love him. I mean they just love him. Being able to say and do anything at anytime and then just blame whoever. They think he’s the greatest. One of ’em told me they may never get in trouble again. I mean seriously, we could sweep this thing, House, Senate whatever. It’s like we’re on a merry-go-round and it just won’t stop. Is the room moving or am I just getting dizzy? Remember Dizzy Gillespie? He could really play ball, right? We need more power hitters like him on the Washington Nationals. That team should be called the Washington Democrats, they lose so much, right? Anyway, I’m supposed to meet Trumpy later to make sure he’s with the program, but I’m not sure if the meetings still on. I just saw him on TV half way across the country. He’s funny. I like him. Have I introduced you to my secretary? Would you like a drink?” —slater.com©