Washington, DC November 1, 2018
“Today I called entrepreneur Elon Musk to advise him of my intention to sign with his company for a pet project of mine. I will announce soon that Musk’s Boring Company will build for me and the US a high-speed underground rail line that will move people directly to Mexico quickly and in short order. This new innovation will reduce the time it takes to reverse the tide of unwashed masses hurtling toward our shining shores. These aliens will be sent back without prejudice, favor or discrimination. Just based on the legal facts, that’s all. I was asked by the press if my mother was a legal citizen at my birth as well as the mothers of 4 of my 5 children. I believe they all were, but if it is proven that the marriages were invalid for cause, then I agree that me and 4 of my children will be amongst the first load on the underground railway out of the country. This rule must apply to everyone including the elite like me. I have informed 4 of my children and they are unhappy but will comply if necessary. Meanwhile the weather in Mexico is very nice and we can fly anywhere we wish to if it doesn’t work out there. Wherever we Trumps go though, success will follow and we will be the cream that rises to the top in any environment. If you stop winning after we leave don’t say I didn’t warn you.”©


Washington, DC October 12, 2018
“I hired that punk and look at how he’s thanking me. I cut corporate taxes and tariffed anything that moved to get jobs and growth back here. Now my own people are against me. They say they’re worried about the future, about our children. They don’t want them drowning in debt. They want to head off so called inflation. To me inflation just means our companies can get more money from selling stuff. Higher prices mean more profits, right? More profits means higher stock markets. I say, let the good times roll now. These kids are so smart always staring at their hand computers or whatever they’re doing. Let them figure a way out later. For now, it’s Trump Time. Drinks all around, except me. Enjoy.”©


Washington, DC May 2, 2018
“Why doesn’t Mueller just be more patriotic? Instead of looking into me, an American and the President, why not turn his attention to Kim? Using his energy fighting me, when we could team up and fight our adversaries together really makes more sense. Also, I’m not under investigation, I hear this from good sources. I have the best sources, so this is not a self serving statement. I’m willing to make peace with Mueller. Will he help me make peace with Kim?”©


Cupertino, CA April 24, 2018
“Ooops. Yes iPhone demand is way down and I take full responsibility. I thought that fashion and style would eclipse function and usability. But it looks like the people want both. And they seem to prefer function over style which I wouldn’t have guessed. Also, there have been some unintended consequences. Like, uh, by removing all the buttons and jacks, we are extending the life of the phones. One of the primary reasons people replace their old phones was all the crud and stuff that builds up on the key pad and other dimpled surfaces. Now that it’s just a sheet of glass, they are simply windexing it and good as new. We, of course, try to make them obsolete by not supporting older software, but they can still be used for quite a while severely impacting our sales going forward. And so many other vendors have copied our look and feel. Now the only point of differentiation is our ecosystem but with so many apps it is proving to be overwhelming. Many users just don’t even bother to self-curate. Plus Android has the majority market share and our ecosystem is increasingly available on their phones as well. Anyway we’ll figure it out or come up with the next big thing. I thought the watch might be it but we’re getting so good at miniaturization that it can easily be made into a phone but that doesn’t really help because the better the watch gets, the less necessary the iPhone is at all. Obviously that would eat into our other sales big time. But if we don’t and someone else does, iPhone sales still get cannibalized. In the meantime we’ll innovate, innovate, innovate by introducing new colors and fabrics for our stylish watchbands so you know we’ll stay at the forefront of tech. That and we’ve got a quarter of a trillion dollars cushion of runway before we need to panic.”©


Washington DC March 16, 2018
“He’s not immune. VP’s can be canned by the P, and that’s me. Officially I’m not allowed to actually fire him because supposedly he is an elected official. Whatever. I think it is still possible to get my friends in Congress to help me move him out. It can be done. Am I just trying to make sure he stays on his toes? Maybe. But I’m also known for not liking people who think they have a clean reputation. He just seems to be staying on the sidelines waiting for something to implode and then take the reins. Guess what, if he is removed prior to my impeachment, I can appoint someone more to my liking. Someone who I can communicate with while I am in exile planning a Trump-like triumphant return. I tell all my people, nobody is safe, stay on your toes, make me look good, don’t hog the spotlight, don’t think you are better than me in any way and most of all – keep your bags packed”.©


Washington DC March 13, 2018
“Told Tillerson to take time to travel throughout Texas. Didn’t have time to meet with him in person. I would have liked to point at him and do the whole bit but I am the President. Gotta stay on schedule. Anyway he’s out along with a few other people. I’m just fine tuning this machine. We’re almost there. When I saw the ratings on the Bachelor, I knew I would have to make some dramatic moves.”©


Washington, DC March 7, 2018
“Look rubes, just relax. You’re focusing too much on what I say. There is no connection between the words that exit my mouth and any actions that I might or might not take. I’m a micro-visionary. My world is what is happening right now. I give no thought to the future. None at all. So if you hear me say something about tariffs or anything else, it is only that moment I am referring to. Not the future. When we get to the future I’ll have more to say.”©


Washington, DC February 23, 2018
“We will carry in the classroom, but not concealed. Let’s get double duty out of these firearms. We think that it’s way past time for teachers in this country to get the respect they deserve from students. And with my cherished nickel-plated magnum sidearm neatly holstered in plain view, I think we’ll finally get it”.©


Los Angeles, CA February 20, 2018
“It’s not him! Trump is not writing those tweets. I refused to believe that our leader would stoop so low and act like a petulant child. So I hired a psychological profiling firm to examine and analyze all the tweets that purportedly were written by my old friend Donald. The results are in. The profilers indicated that there is a 99% probability the the tweets were written by an 11 year old child, probably a girl. They said the catty juvenile language and immature word choices coupled with the childishly rebellious nature of the tweets helped them to make their determination. So friends, relax. The leader of our country is not an 11 year old girl. However, the author of the tweets apparently is.”©


Washington DC February 7, 2018
“I will show the world who can roll tanks down a street the best. The best, us. More tanks, more flags, more guns, more ammo, more cammo, you can’t keep up world, you won’t keep up with me militarily. I may not have been in the armed forces but nobody loves him a pageant more than I do. And I don’t see any reason to exclude the ladies from this show of force. They’re strong and tough, our girls. Yes they are. I’ve asked Ivanka to lead the parade dressed similarly to the statue of liberty but holding a gatling gun instead of a torch. Beautiful. Sorry, she’s taken boys. And there’ll be guns, oh lots of guns. I’ll be in my reviewing stand, looking down on the troops. I will work closely with the Pentagon for weeks if necessary to make sure the color combinations accentuate the DC light just right from every angle. Details, that’s what I’m known for, studying the little things and making sure I get everything just right. And I can’t think of anything more important to me right now than a big parade in honor of my first year in charge.”©